We all try to be superheroes for our kids---always be “on”
and ready for the next thing they may need. We feel as though if we let
ourselves come down from this constant mode of
“Special Parenthood” that things will fall apart—and we will be failures.
I know first hand that being in this state for any length of time is completely draining and saps you of every ounce of energy—which is not good for you or your child.
I firmly believe that sometimes we need permission to just
let it all out—and call it what it is—raising a child with special needs can be
extremely taxing on every area of our lives….our energy levels, our ability to
parent our typical kids, our role as a spouse etc…
My prayer for you today is that you will give yourself
permission to grieve if you want to grieve—to cry if you want to cry. I say it
often, but at the moment we learned our kids were differently-abled in some
way—we began the grieving process. Just as one grieves the loss of a loved one
that has left this earth, we grieve the loss of the typical child we dreamed
of. All of our typical hopes for our child’s future came to a halt, and we had
to deal with all of the emotions, we didn’t have a choice. And at the same
time, we had to jump into survival mode—learn everything about our child’s
needs, get interventions lined up, make sure they had all the resources and
physicians they needed, etc…
If you’ve ever had someone close to you pass away, you know
how hard it is to deal with the pain, and how you never think you will survive
it. Now imagine that on top of all the sadness surrounding it all, that you all
of a sudden have to go right into survival mode. No time to think, no
time to waste—our child needs us.
That’s what all of us did.
Ask yourself if you truly went through the stages of grief—shock, denial, anger, sadness, & acceptance. Did you allow yourself to feel it all?
I think we all feel
that we can’t allow ourselves to go back to any of the beginning stages of
grief, or we will not be able to move on—which is not true. Many times, without
warning, we can go in and out of these stages and still survive. We have all
been there or will be there.
What I’ve learned in this process is that if we don’t listen
to our feelings and let them out, they eventually, slowly, continually begin to
seep out onto everything and everyone around us.
If you feel like crying—just cry. It’s OK.
Christian singer Mandisa’s song “Just Cry” says it
perfectly:
“Why
you gotta act so strong?
Go
ahead and take off your brave face
Why
you telling me that nothing's wrong
It's
obvious you’re not in a good place
Who's
telling you to keep it all inside?
And
never let those feelings
Get
past the corner of your eye
You
don't need to run
You
don't need to speak
Baby
take some time
Let
those prayers roll down your cheek
It
may be tomorrow
You'll
be past the sorrow
But
tonight it's alright
Just cry”
You’re
allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to cry. It doesn’t mean you love your child
any less; and it doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Once
we let it out—as often as we need to—we actually become better parents. When we
admit that we are human and we have bad days too, we can see our world a little
clearer. We can then dream new dreams for our children. We can have new hopes,
and find our new “normal.”
After
we let out our emotions, we can see this new normal we have created in our
families and within ourselves, and realize this new outlook on life is actually
even better than it would’ve been if our child was typically developing. We see
the world with new eyes and a beautiful, new perspective.
Acceptance
is the goal, but without the sadness and crying, we can never fully come to see
the light at the end of the tunnel.
Allow
yourself to express all the feelings that come along with this amazing task
that we were chosen for, and know that it’s ok to give up your superhero cape
once in awhile
...and just cry.
